I'm disappointed, really disappointed.

I really can't believe someone who I loved so much for the last 3 years has become someone like this.

Fuck.

What hurts me more is whenever I think back about the past, not long, just 1 week back when you keep saying you're proud of me.

Look what's happening now? You are so fucking ashamed to even say I'm your boyfriend. Seriously, you're fucking selfish. Really.

You just think for yourself. When every fucking moment, I think about you, worrying about you, wanting to see you.

Fuck this man. I had enough.

I don't want someone who feels like I'm a fucking disgrace. I'd rather you say it to me. Oh yeah, you already have.

And I keep coming back to you like a fucking dog.

I had enough of being a dog.

Really enough.

I guess not telling you there's still a chance shows what a person you really are.

I'll stop whatever I'm doing. Just do well in whatever I want in my life. Whatever you want, is none of my concern anymore. I had enough of living my life that's controlled by you.

Fuck this shit. Fuck this 3 years. 2 months, 1 result, is all I need to see through you. I'm so dumb.

Figured I should blog since I can't talk to you and I got so much stuff to say to you.

I came here, feeling like shit. Literally shit. I'm so fucking ashamed to be here. 

They told me, I still got 1 last shot to cross over to SCS if I do well here. I really really want to go over. 

I tried my best, did everything I can. I felt like there's at least something I can work towards to now, to make you proud, again. 

I still remember you keep saying you're proud of me, proud of me during my POP. I was very happy, very very happy I can make you proud. 

Until just now, you told me all those stuff. My whole world came crashing down. 

Like why am I even working so hard for? For what, for who. 

They pasted this security trooper band on my arm, saying 'welcome to your new unit'. I'm like fuck, I don't even fucking wanna be here. Who the fuck wanna be here. 

They say, you'll be proud when you pass out in 7weeks time. I'm like fuck, I'll be ashamed when I'm here, even more ashamed when I pass out from here. 

I'm sorry, I disgraced you.

I'm tired. Really, fucking tired. This doesn't end today, neither does it end tomorrow nor the day after. I still got fucking 1y6m to serve this shit hole. With you being in this condition, I doubt we'll pull through. I just pray all goes well. If this is causing you so fucking much misery, being envious of other people gf because they can have some stupid bear or some ocs fuck shit, fuck it. I'd rather you say you have no boyf so you won't even feel like this. Fuck, all I want is just a fucking simple, happy relationship. Does it have to be so fucking complicated. I'm that close to breaking down and switching off already.